The Check Up

Today I was seen by Doctor Poodle.  Apparently, she's learned quite a bit in 4-K med school, because it was a very long, involved checkup, and I'm lucky to have survived it.  First she held the stethoscope to my chest and instructed me to cough.  Then she took my blood pressure, which turned out to be 830.  Based on that, I may need medication.

Next, she took some samples.  Some hair from my head and wrist, and something from my ear.  I'm not sure what.  Then, the syringe came out.  I asked what was in it.  "Needles."  I then asked if we were taking out or putting in.  I was informed that she'd be putting in blood.  It was inserted in my shoulder, chest, wrist, and both knees.

Now it was time to check my ears and eyes.  She peered through the otoscope and told me that my right ear contained princesses.  I have no idea how they got in there.  I asked what was in my left ear.  "Dora."  Examination of my right eye revealed nothing, but my left eye apparently contains a lot of blood.

Then, the scalpel came out and a large incision was made in my chest.  She confirmed that I was, in fact, receiving open heart surgery, which largely consisted of drilling holes in my breastplate.  She didn't feel it was necessary to suture me up afterwards.

Post surgery, I was instructed to lie down, and the syringe came out again.  This time, there was a lot of blood to be taken out of me.  I guess I had too much in my knees after all, not to mention that pesky left eye.  She managed to get it all out and then finished me off with a hair cut.

I sure hope my insurance covers all this.