The Six Million Dollar Dog

Our German Shepherd Dog turned two this year, and we celebrated in grand fashion. Yes, I know I capitalized "Dog" - it's the legal name of the breed, and the German Shepherd Dog officials get very upset when you don't include the "Dog" part. They want you to be all German and precise about these things, and they don't want their dogs to be confused with those German Shepherd Turtles.

But I digress. The Dog turned two, and that was almost the end of the line. No, I'm not kidding. She came down with something called gastric torsion, a.k.a. "bloat", and almost went to the big kennel in the sky. On her birthday. And you thought your birthday sucked.

Gastric torsion, besides being a great name for a heavy metal band, is a condition whereby the stomach gets twisted completely around. It's somewhat common in large breed dogs, such as the GSD, Labrador Retriever, or Oakland Raiders quarterback.  It's not known if turtles are susceptible.  But basically, the stomach twists completely around, cutting off both the entrance and exit, and subsequently traps gas. Those of you who have experienced dog farts first-hand probably see this as a bonus, but as you'll soon read, it is not.

The stomach becomes severely distended, causing considerable damage to other organs. Left untreated, the dog will die, in a very painful way.  If that hasn't gotten your attention yet, this will - from onset until death takes only 4 to 6 hours.

So here we were, on the night of her second birthday, and suddenly the Dog starts acting funny. Not in a Robin Williams kind of way, but in a hey-my-stomach-is-twisted-and-this-isn't-cool kind of way. My Wife, in her typical Dr. Doolittle fashion, manages to diagnose gastric torsion within about 10 minutes. We were able to confirm her suspicions by consulting a book.  A "book" is an ancient form of communication, comprised of ink and dead trees, that was used long before there was The Google.

So off to the Animal Emergency Room we went - me, Wife, Dog, and Wallet.  It was Sunday night, about 11pm, and we knew this was not going to be cheap. They examined the dog and confirmed our fears - it was gastric torsion.  The moment of truth had come and we were presented with two options.  We could either have them perform surgery on the dog, or we could put her down.  If we went with surgery, it would probably cost two to three thousand dollars.  If not, she would die.

They took her in for surgery, which involved cutting her open, un-twisting the stomach, and attaching it to the wall of gastric cavity.  After that, she had to stay in doggie ICU for about a day and a half. But we got to bring her home then, and within a week and a half, she was running around as if nothing had ever happened.  Clearly, she had as much financial sense as your average mortgage lender.  Maybe we should have gotten a turtle.