Monkey On My Back

Smoking is a nasty, disgusting habit, and ohmygod I miss it so much. 

It's been two days since my last cigarette.  I've smoked off and on for about the last 20 years.  I quit for the first time almost 10 years ago.  That lasted about 7 months, until a roadtrip with a couple smoking friends.  Friends who smoked, that is.  After that, another couple of years passed until I quit again.  That time it lasted for about 3 years.  Then I ran smack dab into a brick wall known as divorce, which is a perfectly awful excuse, but it suited me just fine at the time.

It's been a little over 4 years now since starting up this last time - and I just up and quit.  It was easy in a way - I smoked the last cigarette in the only pack I had right before bedtime on Christmas Day.  All I had to do was get up in the morning and not buy another pack.  It seemed so easy.

Then, I entered hell.

Nicotine addiction is a terrible, dangerous thing.  Withdrawal causes terrible feelings of anxiety and restlessness.  Nearly all quitters who cheat within the first two weeks end up smoking again within half a year.  Even of the ones who don't cheat in the first two weeks, nearly half end up smoking again in six months.  And even after years on non-smoking, one out of five smokers still have occasional cravings.  That, as they say, is fucked up.

I'm really trying this time.  I hope it goes well.  The first 24 hours were total hell.  I'm at the 48 hour mark now, so I've got a ways to go.  They say the nicotine doesn't leave your system for 3 or 4 days, so I've still got a couple days of hell left - and at least a couple more weeks until I have a real chance.  I've been here before, and know that it doesn't truly get easier until 6 to 9 months out.

This really sucks.