SOS

Soon, we'll be celebrating the 93rd anniversary of the sinking of the Titanic.  Why it hasn't become another Hallmark holiday escapes me - chalk it up to bad marketing.  Just imagine the joy of receiving a Titanic greeting card - "Happy Titanic Day!  Want to go for a swim?" 

But I digress...

The Titanic, as everyone knows, was an unsinkable ship (and by "unsinkable", I mean "sinkable") that set out on its maiden voyage in April 1912.  During the voyage, two young lovers named Jack and Rose became involved in a torrid love affair that they consumated with a wild sex romp of such epic proportions that the ship immediately sank.

No, wait, that's not historically accurate.  Actually, it sank because it hit an iceberg, which is just like an ice cube, but much, much larger, like Anna Nicole Smith (before TrimSpa®).  These icebergs just float about, unimpeded, seeking out ocean-going vessels to destroy.  In the aftermath of the sinking of the Titanic, a formal inquiry by the greatest scientific minds of the day determined that icebergs were a huge threat to human life.  They immediately instituted a policy of global warming, in an effort to thwart these overweight terrorist ice cubes by melting them before they can carry out their nefarious plans.

As a result, over 90 years have passed without a single life being lost to frozen water terrorism.  Oh, some conspiracy theorists might try to tell you that radar, improved maritime regulations, better navigation and communication technology, or common sense are the reason the seas are so safe, but don't let them fool you.  Keep driving your Hummer H2 to the convenience store on a daily basis, to prevent the gut-wrenching horror of having to watch some hack actor proclaim: "I'm king of the world!"